


i love you like an alcoholic

by RatonLaveur



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, Developing Relationship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pain, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 10:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19439983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatonLaveur/pseuds/RatonLaveur
Summary: The relationship was destructive but they weren't strong enough to give it up. Maybe it wasn't about strength - maybe it was nothing but pure love. Sad, pathetic, desperate. But pure nevertheless.





	i love you like an alcoholic

**Author's Note:**

> you thought i wouldn't bring all my fave tropes here? you fools!
> 
> my very first chernobyl au, so i hope it's good enough. time/place is basically the same setting as the series.
> 
> (a very personal topic as well)

The darkness of the pub was only partly disturbed by the dim lights, hiding the dust and dirt of many years without proper cleaning. The music was nearly inaudible, playing quietly in the background of drunk discussions.

The sad reality of people drowning their struggles in strong liquor. 

Many of them sat together in specific groups, focused on their shared interests or different opinions. A few remained seated alone, not talking to anyone, just trying to replace feelings with drinks. 

Boris Shcherbina and Valery Legasov belonged to those people since the first time they entered this godforsaken place. Sitting alone, yet close to each other. Not paying attention to anything and anyone besides their own existential dread and occasionally a newspaper. And they were fine with it. 

Up until  _ that night _ . The seemingly innocent and irrelevant moment, that turned out to be life-changing. 

Neither of them later seemed to remember how it started, but they found themselves arguing. It was probably caused by intoxication and a serious article that made one of them express their feelings out loud. Either way, the argument somehow started and it didn't seem it was going to end just like that.

"Feelings are unnecessary in this world, worthless even. You won't get too far in life if you view reality based on  _ emotions. _ " Boris frowned as he put emphasis on the last word.

"Your pragmatism might be effective for a while, but in the end it's destructive. We are human, we need to filter our feelings." Valery's voice was firm, but he was still rather focused on his glass, now empty. 

"Expressing pain never got me anywhere. I prefer to use logic when approaching life."

"Yet you are still here."

"So are you."

"That fits my point, though. If you achieved living by logic only, you wouldn't have feelings to drown."

Boris got up, knocking his chair over while doing so. The sudden noise drew the attention of the other guests, promising a bit of action in their monotone lives. Boris didn't stop there, he made a few quick unstable steps towards Valery who was still staring at the glass in his hand. 

"Now say it to me again, you punk mindreader, I  _ dare  _ you."

"You are full of feelings, just like everyone else in here." Valery's tone didn't change, it was as firm and uninterested as before. He didn't look up until Boris grabbed his shirt, pulling him up from his chair.

Before anything else could happen, they were kicked out of the pub; the owner didn't tolerate any fights or loud arguments.

They ended up on a rainy dark street, not quite done drinking for the night. The atmosphere of the argument was gone as well - just as the whole reason for it. It seemed pointless now and so neither of them wanted to continue.

There was a liquor store nearby still opened. It was the only one around, so it only made sense they headed over there together. It wasn't like they had a choice, after all.

They didn't say anything on the way there, the only thing making the silence less overwhelming was the rhythmic sound of steps mixed with the drizzle. 

After getting a cheap bottle of vodka each, they were still far from parting. Almost as if the everyday loneliness caught up to them and they wanted to be around another human being for a bit more. Just for now. 

"Let's go take a walk." Even Boris seemed surprised by his own words, but his face returned to the previous detached expression after Valery nodded. 

Without talking about it, they knew where they were headed. The only place good enough for hanging out at this hour, maybe in general. Perfect for the lost souls.

The shore of the river. It was near the city centre, yet felt like it was far from the civilisation. Far from the prying eyes of people and everyday stress.

It didn't take too long before they were sitting next to each other, watching the calm water flow through the city, drinking the cheap vodka.

"I'm sorry for attacking you earlier." Boris broke the silence and his eyes were focused on the river, maybe just admiring the beauty of the moon reflection, maybe to avoid eye contact.

"It's fine."

"I was just affected by your words. I'm trying to escape my feelings, but you reminded me it's not entirely possible."

"It is possible, though. But I'm not sure to what extent you could be considered human after that."

"I don't know, feelings are still pointless to me. I used to think they mattered. I tried to give good feelings into the world. Became a soldier, earned respect, ended up working in an office. Dreamed of love and passion, then got married just to realise love is the most pointless thing of them all."

"Love isn't pointless." Valery took a few seconds to take a sip before continuing. "It just needs to be right."

"Bullshit. You and I both know such a thing doesn't exist."

"It's when you let your heart choose, not your mind."

"No. My marriage is right, love itself is the problem here."

"You can't hide from the harsh reality forever. Stop lying to yourself."

Boris gripped the bottle in his hand tightly before throwing it in the grass and turning to Valery. His eyes were full of anger again.

"Stop saying this crap to me, what does it change? You are the one who's lying."

Valery looked Boris in the eyes, seemingly unbothered but filled with pain and bitterness.

"It's the last thing that shall be believed. I refuse to give it up."

"You're delusional, but you won't take me down with you."

"Look at yourself, you've already hit the rock bottom."

"That's not true!"

"Yelling won't solve your problems. Just admit you are broken like me. Like all of us."

"I'm fine."

"You aren't."

"Shut up," Boris breathed out, a sign of defeat.

And before they knew it, their lips were connected in a rough kiss, a call for help and understanding. The result of a heated moment, beliefs, denial. An act of freedom, a bit of warm hope in the middle of an industrial world. Something that was supposed to save them, but ended up destroying them even more.

***

At first they would meet in places that were empty at night and rather hidden, always accompanied by bottles of alcohol. Keeping their sad meetings away from the eyes of judging masses. After the late nights got too cold, they decided to use Valery's lonely flat for the time spent together. Boris couldn't offer his place because of his family. The family he barely knew at this point. He was hiding his life away from them with the intensity of hiding the incriminating bottles all over the place. 

Valery didn't need to keep anything secret. He was alone. 

And so his flat was the perfect place for them, now that they got close enough to cling onto each other desperately. To share one bed while intoxicated. To make love and then lie in silence afterwards, finishing the act with crying in each other's arms.

It didn't take them too long to get used to this kind of intimacy. After some time they even stopped going to the pub, they would just buy something to drink and meet at Valery's place. Every other day after work to avoid suspicion. Technically, it wasn't that effective - Boris' wife started sending something, but she was too tired to ask questions. Too tired, too uninterested. She might have been even happy in her own way. She didn't have to deal with her drunk husband coming home late and rude.

"What do you think?" Boris raised his nearly empty bottle into the air, turning to Valery lying next to him. "Of this life. Is it meaningless?"

Valery turned over to lie on his stomach, watching Boris as if he was studying his face closely. 

"Everything is meaningless. Yet everything matters. What is meaningless to you can matter to someone else."

"You are smart."

"Am I?"

"What matters to you, then?"

Valery frowned a bit, thinking of an answer.

"Numbing the pain."

"Is that all?"

"Maybe. What about you?"

"Same." Boris was quiet for a while, then continued in such a small voice Valery wasn't sure if he imagined it. "And you."

It was the only thing close to a love confession they discussed so far. That made it so shocking.

"Why are you so obsessed with things having a meaning?" Valery said in a low voice. "If it's important to you, then it's meaningful. That's it. You don't have to ask me."

"I'm just trying to find a purpose."

Valery just pointed to the bottle Boris was still holding. "That's all we have."

"Valery."

They made eye contact and saw the exhaustion in each other's faces in the moonlight. 

"Valery. You were the one who told me about the importance of feelings. Did you change your mind?"

"No." Valery paused to take a sip that kept him in the blissful drunk state. "Just trying to stay reasonable."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you really think we can keep this up? We are both broken. And you have a family. People are going to find out and then what. Then we die. With great shame. Is that what you want?"

"When did you become so pessimistic?"

"Answer the question."

"I'm not afraid of death. Nor shame. I feel things I never thought could be real."

"We need to stop drinking. That's the only way to happiness."

"I want to stop. Will you love me if I stop?"

Instead of answering, Valery locked their lips in a kiss that said everything better than words ever could.

_ I already love you. _

Their despair filled love making was the only proof they were still alive.

_ I need you. Stay.  _

To love and to be loved.

What a bittersweet feeling.

***

The first time they broke up was damaging, but supposed to be for the better.

They kept dragging each other down. Finding help was nearly impossible because whenever they were together, they felt the need to be intoxicated. But even after the breakup, they didn't actively seek help. They drowned the pain in alcohol instead. Because that was the only thing they knew. 

The night they ran into each other in the well-known pub, they ended up back at Valery's place. Conflicted, full of regrets, in love.

"I felt like I lost a part of myself." Valery was more drunk than usual and couldn't hold back his confessions.

Boris couldn't stop touching every part of Valery's body over and over again, barely speaking, afraid his voice would shake too much.

The relationship was destructive but they weren't strong enough to give it up. Maybe it wasn't about strength - maybe it was nothing but pure love. Sad, pathetic, desperate. But pure nevertheless.

They liked to hold hands and draw their future in bright colours.

"We'll stop drinking and then we can travel together." 

Valery raised an eyebrow. "Travelling is expensive. And it's not like we can go that far."

"We can go to the cities nearby. Or explore the countryside. I don't care. As long as I'm with you."

"We can find new hobbies once we are clean."

"I haven't read a book in so long. I used to like reading."

"I can read to you if you want."

Valery owned a few forbidden books they both enjoyed during the many nights they spent together. Valery read them out loud and Boris listened. Instead of travelling the rotten world, they got lost together in the fictional world, living through the characters of the stories. 

This idyllic relationship didn't last too long, though. They were getting into arguments more and more.

_ You drink too much. It's destroying you. _

_ What do you love more? Me or alcohol? _

_ Do you even care about me? _

_ Stop telling me what to do. _

_ You need help. _

_ I'm worried because I care. _

_ You need to leave. _

You need to leave. It was painful to Valery just to say that. Because he loved Boris. But that was the main reason he had to say that. To chase him away, because he had hope. He had a family that could help him. Valery had nothing. He was only bringing Boris down and he knew it. 

"Why?" That was the only thing Boris could come up with at the moment, absolutely defeated.

"Because it's the only reasonable thing to do."

"You were the one who told me that real love is when you choose with your heart, not your mind. So don't give me that. I want a real reason, otherwise I'm staying."

"I just don't want to see you anymore. I'm done." Valery could feel his own heart breaking at the statement. He had to remind himself it's for the best. Loving someone means protecting them at all costs, even from yourself. 

The relationship was poisonous, destroying them both. But Boris had a better future ahead. He just needed to get out.

He wasn't aware of this, therefore he looked completely devastated. The face of a broken man; as if he grew much older in a matter of seconds.

"I hate you," he said in a raspy voice. After saying that he quietly left the flat and Valery's life. 

***

Reading the newspaper article shocked Boris to the core. He refused to believe it at first. Going over all the details, trying to draw a different picture in his head.

Trying to make the brief description of the dead man sound less like Valery.

It was a small part of a bigger article with little information, but it all made sense. Apparently, he was found dead in his apartment the previous day. He hung himself.

Boris headed towards Valery's flat blindly in an attempt to prove his mind wrong. It couldn't be true. It had been a month since they broke up and he kept coming to the pub every night, but Valery never arrived.

It was like in a strange dream. Everything he saw was familiar, yet he barely recognised it. Soon enough he found himself staring at people dragging furniture and piles of books and clothes out of the building he was looking for. Things he knew too well.

Despite fearing the answer, he asked the workers about the reason for taking the stuff.

"The owner of the flat died, so we are going to sell this all. We were told so by the owner of the house."

Boris had to sit down on the pavement, letting people pass by without paying attention to them. He had to process all the feelings raging inside him.

He was in pain, that was for sure. He wanted to cry, yell, hit something, die. But the worst thing of them all that sent shivers down his spine was the memory of the last thing he told Valery before leaving.

_ I hate you. _

He died and the last memory of Boris was this. Those harsh untrue words. And he will never know that they weren't meant like that. That Boris regrets them more than anything.

_ Rest well. Be happy.  _

_ One day we'll meet again.  _

**Author's Note:**

> hm idk if im satisfied with how it turned out so pls tell me if you liked it or something? feedback is very appreciated as always, im super insecure
> 
> also, not to sound like a party pooper, but be careful when you drink  
> tomorrow can be too late 
> 
> peace


End file.
